Drive-thru Confessions Big Hit in Parish

Wichita, KS––

Reports out of The Church of the Most Holy Trinity in Wichita, Kansas are confirming that last week’s launch of their new drive-thru confessional was a complete success. “It’s an absolute blessing,” Church Pastor Father Donald Borland told Eye of the Tiber. “One day I was sitting in the confessional listening to this old man’s confessions, and all I could think about was how long this poor old man was standing in line. I remember I thought to my self, ‘Self, there’s gotta be a better way to do this than to have people standing in line for 20 minutes.’” So began the idea to create the first drive-thru confessional. “I love it, and it’s so simple,” Stephanie Randal, a college sophomore said. “You drive up to a menu with a list of all types of sins and combo sins, and you just tell the priest which number or numbers you did on the menu. No chit-chat, no nothing. I remember I told him I committed a number four super-sized, and he asked me to please drive forward. That’s it. You drive up to him at the first window, he absolves you, and the last step is you go to the second window where his secretary tells you your total. They call it a penance, I guess…I don’t know, I drove right through that part.”

I had a similar idea seven years ago, but I love his touch about the second window where you get the penance total.


The question though is what is the best method to get Americans to frequent the confessional? In this fast food culture maybe we could appeal to a fast food idea like drive thru confession. I propose a new company called Jiffy Shriven after the Old English term to go to confession.

Here would be my logo.

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And a sample drive thru.

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And to easily remind people when to return to confession, the following sticker could be placed on the driver side windshield.

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While your there they could also check your holy water font or holy water bottle level to see if more fluids need to be added. Though you won’t have to worry about them trying to hawk other sacrament while there. You won’t hear “I noticed you are not looking so well. We can give you final unction as part of a package deal.”

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(yes, "all the above" is in jest.) Funny, though, huh?


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